Sporting Press

Three and OUT: Vikings/Packers on Monday Night Football

1. Oklahoma Sooners
OU lost the nation's top tight end prior to the first game. Lost the nation's top QB in the first game. And lost their top receiver in Miami this weekend. One more injury and the Sooners qualify for the Cash for Clunkers program.

2. Vikings/Packers on Monday Night Football
Does it get any better than that?

3. Tigers/Twins ... one game playoff for the AL Central Title
Yes. Yes it does get better than Vikings/Packers.

That's three and I ... am ... OUT!

Smack College Football Top 11: Week Whatever-It-Is...

 

 By Brick Stevens

Don't forget to check out the great Smack-Talking Tees available online at Smack Apparel.

1. Alabama
I look at the AP poll and scratch my head that Texas is ranked higher than Bama right now. Do the voters watch football?

2. Texas
I look at the AP poll and scratch my head that Florida is ranked higher than Texas right now. Do the voters watch football?

3. Virginia Tech
34-26 score over Duke. I'm always surprised that Duke plays football.

3. Miami
Back in the Smack Pack after dismantling Oklahoma.

4. TCU
Toads stay in position ... with a win over school that willingly accepted the George W. Bush library.

5. LSU/Kansas
If 4-0 LSU can be in the Top 11, so can 4-0 Kansas. Jayhawks have a better QB and bigger coach.

6/7. Iowa/Cincinnati
Welcome to the Smack Pack, Iowa and Cincinnati. The Hawkeyes host Tate Forcier and a suddenly struggling Michigan. The Bearcats take a week off and then get the suddenly strong S. Florida Bulls.

8. USC
Now that they have their annual Pac 10 meltdown out of the way, who's going to stop Pete Carroll's Trojans?

9. Florida
Unimpressive during their bye week. The good news? They get to knock LSU out of the Smack Pack nest week.

10. Boise State
You struggle against UC-Davis and UC-Afallinthepoll. Upset special next week in Tulsa.

11. Notre Dame
Nice OT win over a decent Washington team ... but if they lose to USC in their next game, even I can't keep 'em in the poll.

DOWN AND OUT

Oklahoma
Started game one without the nation's best tight end. Started game two without the nation's best quarterback. And they lose their top receiver in Miami. Bob Stoops has obviously angered the Football Gods.

Michigan
Forcier forcied a pass in OT.

Houston
We have a problem. 

Daily Doodle: Tiger Joins the Billionaire Club

Tennessee Klan Recruit Backs Out of Verbal Commitment

By Brick Stevens

KNOXVILLE, TENN. (SP) - A Tennessee recruit has backed out of his verbal commitment to play for the Volunteer basketball team, following controversial remarks made by its coach at a recent fundraising event.

Vols coach Bruce Pearl was caught on camera quipping "“I’ve got a tough job. I’ve got to put these guys from different worlds together, right? I’ve got guys from Chicago, Detroit. I’m talking about the ’hood! And I’ve got guys from Grainger County, where they wear the hood!”

Dolph "Blitzkrieg" Reichart, a hulking power forward from just outside of Bean Station, Tennessee, said he was offended by the remark and announced he had withdrawn his verbal commitment to Tennessee and would consider offers from other universities. He is said to be leaning toward Bob Jones University.

Reichart has gone largely unnoticed by other schools because he has been home schooled in a white supremacist compound and has refused to play any competition against African-American players. 

Reichart measures 7-2 to the tip of his white hood. College basketball recruiting experts believe he is closer to 6-9. Reichart led his team, the Grand Dragons, with 38 points and 22 rebounds a game in league play against other teams of home-schooled children from the area.

Fans Fear Tebow ... Human

By Brick Stevens

GAINESVILLE, FLA. (SP) - Fans watched in horrified disbelief Saturday as Florida quarterback Tim Tebow left Saturday's game against Kentucky in the back of an ambulance. 

For many Gator fans, it confirmed their worst fears: Tebow is human.

"A lot of us thought he was, like, invincible. So this comes as a bit of a shock. I don't really know what to, like, believe now. It seems like my entire world has changed," said Debra Sandy, 21, a business major at Florida.

"If Tim Tebow is merely human ... why have rules or values? Why have morals?" said Ernest Fever, 28, an undergraduate student in the university's philosophy department.

"I'm taking a wait-and-see approach," said David Dunning, a local minister. "My guess is he returns in three days and his disciples, er, teammates will be ready for LSU."

Gator fans and Gainesville authorities were interested in Kentucky defensive end Taylor Wyndham.

"I just think it's wrong that he comes into our stadium and hits our Tim like that," said Danny Dimmer, 19. "Florida's a death penalty state. I'm just saying..."

"I suspect Wyndham is a member of the Illuminati," said Dunning.

Gainesville police detained Wyndham after the game for questioning. Smack Sports has learned that the NCAA has formally requested that Wyndham be tested for illegal substances, specifically kryptonite.

Kansas Gymnastics, Swim Teams Slap Each Other

By Brick Stevens

LAWRENCE, KANSAS (SP) - A week after discovering that the University of Kansas football and basketball teams have been brawling, Smack Sports has learned that the Jayhawk gymnastics team has been engaging in bitch slaps with the Kansas swim team.

Sources tell Smack Sports that the slapping started after a member of the swim team commented on the gymnastic team's uniforms. Insults were exchanged between athletes on each team in regard to the cut and color of the other team's form-fitting uniforms. Name calling followed and soon both teams were seen exchanging slaps to the face.

At least one swimmer was hospitalized as the result of a complications resulting from a "wedgy."

Smack College Football Top 11: Week Five

The Smack Pack: College Football’s Top 11
 Week 5

By Brick Stevens

1. Alabama
The defense rests its case, your honor.

2. Texas
Hey! Colt McCoy returned for his senior year.

3. Houston
Currently tied for the Big 12 conference lead.

4. Boise State
49-14 over Bowling Green.

5. TCU 
Toads squeak past Clemson, 14-10, to remain in spoiler position.

6. LSU/Kansas
A couple 4-0 teams that MIGHT be good ... if they would just play someone. The Jayhawk's most impressive opponent this season has been the KU basketball team.

7. Oklahoma
Sam Bradford is getting a note from a doc to play against Miami.

8. Michigan
The legend of Tate Forcier grows. Sure, they had to come back against Indiana. But a comeback is a comeback.

9. Virginia Tech
Miami QB Jacory Harris predicted the result prior to the game when he announced "this bandwagon is closed." The VaTech D closed it.

10. Florida
After getting his bell rung, Gator QB Tim Tebow tossed his helmet off and gave a rousing pep talk to the EMS guys.

11. Notre Dame
I honestly don't know if they won or lost this week.

DOWN AND OUT

Ole Miss
Finally saw them play. 

Cal
First you bore me. Then you lose.

Miami
The Jacory Harris bandwagon hosts Oklahoma this week.

Daily Doodle: Urban Meyer Has Swine Flu

Smack College Football Top 11: Week Four

By Brick Stevens

1. Alabama
You know, thinks Nick Saban, Tuscaloosa's not that bad. I could live here. Maybe settle down. Raise a family.

2. Miami
Look for the Hurricane to top next week's Smack Pack after they beat Virginia Tech this week. Oklahoma's on deck. 

3. Texas
Colt McCoy, the QB Formerly Known as Heisman Favorite, and his Longhorns were slightly less boring in a 34-24 win over Texas Tech. 

4. Michigan
It's official: Tate Forcier saved RichRod's job.

5. TCU 
Mountain West hopes for screwing up the national championship game now rests on the Horned Toads. 

6. Notre Dame
Sure ... this spot could go to more-deserving teams such as Penn State or LSU. But Brick doesn't really like Joe Paterno or Les Miles. Unless Charlie Weis eats an opposing player, Notre Dame stays.

7. Ole Miss
Has anyone seen Ole Miss play? I hear they're good.

8. Oklahoma
Okay, Parrotheads ... sing along: "I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache, the Landry Jones kind. A two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket and an autographed picture of Andy Devine ... Yeah, they send you off to college, try to gain a little knowledge, but all you want to do is learn how to score." Landry Jones tosses a school-record six TDs against a decent Tulsa team. Best reason to love college football? OU students sporting fake mustaches and wearing "Fear the Stache" T-shirts in support of their mustachioed QB.

9. Cal
Brick can't get too fired up about a win over Minnesota.

10. Florida
The wheels came off in Gainesville this week. You could tell because Tim Tebow took his helmet off so that we could all see the concern on his face as he screamed at his teammates. Meanwhile, Lane Kiffin shows up with the nation's worst QB and an offensive strategy that Jim Tressel would find too conservative and leaves with a mere 10-point loss.

11. Houston
Sorry. I can't be bothered with idle teams.

Down and Out

BYU
BYU? BYE.

Utah
No BCS for you-tah.

USC
You knew it was going to happen.

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Daily Doodle: Jim Tressel Becomes Less Conservative